Returning to work

I have always been a very career driven person and have worked hard to get to where I am with my career. Before having Mia I thought that I'd be bored staying at home with a baby and wanting to return to work as soon as possible, how wrong was I! Whilst I don't think I could ever be a full time stay at home mum (I admire those that are - it's not an easy job) the thought of returning to work and leaving my little girl in childcare brings a tear to my eye, actually I lie, the thought of it makes me cry, full on sobs that require tissues! Sure I am looking forward to returning to work for the mental stimulation and the adult interaction and so that I can regain some of 'me' again. But I am not looking forward to someone else caring for my daughter, comforting her when she is upset, being there to witness any first milestones that I am missing out on (crying again even as I write this - keeping Kleenex in business!). I want to be the one who puts her down for naps giving her a kiss before she goes to sleep, I want to hold her in my arms and hug her when she is upset and I want to see her crawl for the first time and take those precious first steps, I want to be there and show her how proud her mummy is of her.

I worry that we won't have the strong mother daughter bond that I so long for with her because I've left her in the care of others. Yet at the same time I want her to grow up and see me as a role model, someone that she aspires to be, someone that has been able to balance a career with family.  I don't want her to grow up with memories of mum never being there for her because she was always at work. I also wonder about whether the stresses of work will impact on the precious time that I do get to spend with her.

I worry also about my career and whether I will be focused enough to deliver the same results I have always delivered in the past or will I be too preoccupied with thinking about my baby girl. I've always been the person that somehow manages to do everything, those that know me well know that I am not one to ever sit still. I'm always doing something and often doing multiple things at once, however can you truly be successful at everything when trying to do too much? I've always thought, sure I can do it all and I'm sure that I can, the question is how well will I do it all? I also don't like to do things in halves so of course I want to be employee of the year and at the same time super mum. I don't want people at work to think I've dropped the ball since becoming a mum yet at the same time I want to be the super mum that bakes and makes homemade play dough!

I look back at times in my life where I have tried to take on the world, for this certainly isn't the first time I've juggled many things at once. In high school I was determined to achieve the best VCE results possible whilst working part time and competing in athletics and swimming. During university I again was determined to achieve the best results I could whilst juggling 3 part time jobs. As I started my career I decided it was also the perfect time to pursue my dream of triathlon whilst also completing my CPA, and in more recent years I juggled a career whilst training for an ironman. As I reflect upon each of these times I realise that in all of these instances I did manage to achieve everything that I set out to achieve, however in each of these instances I had always prioritised and there was always one thing that was the most important at the time. You can work hard to juggle everything but at the end of the day you still need to be able to prioritise, something always has to be number one priority, it doesn't mean that you can't still do well at everything else but you need to be clear in your mind what that number one priority is, the one thing you won't compromise on, for me now that is my role as a mum.

As my return to work is now only a matter of weeks away I take comfort in understanding my own ability and knowing what I am capable of. I am an extremely driven and determined woman and I will attack my career with the same level of determination and enthusiasm that I have always shown, yet this time it won't be my number one priority. My little girl will forever now be number one and if that means having to make compromises along the way then so be it. I'm never going to look back and wish that I had have worked harder at my career but if I let my career be my number one focus I will one day look back and regret not being the best mum to my daughter.