Thursday, March 23, 2017

It's all about the mindset

As I trained with my coach today I heard the words come out of my mouth "I can't do it" my coach's response was a simple "yes you can", and of course he was right. I could do it, sure it was hard and I struggled and had to pause during the set but I could do it and pushing that hard is what will make me stronger. It's too easy to tell yourself at times that you can't do something, and if you have that mindset then you won't. When I was in labor with Mia I never swore or screamed but I kept telling the midwives over and over again that I couldn't do it, again they responded simply with "you can, and you already are". So why is it so easy to place self doubt on yourself, to let your mind takeover and tell you that you can't do something. It's the mental strength that I need now more than ever, both in training and in life in general!! I know I can train hard, but at times it's easy to drop reps from a set, or lower the weight between sets when you are feeling fatigued, but that's just letting myself down and not maximizing my limited training time. 
I also know that I'm a good mum, yet the last week self doubt has crept in here too. Evenings have been a battle to say the least with most nights ending in tears, the toddlers and my own. Yet again it all comes down to mindset, I can let myself become frustrated and overwhelmed and tell myself I can't deal with this. But that just exhasterbates the situation, instead I need to remind myself that I've got this and I am a good mum and this is just a phase (at least I pray it is).
Amusingly though if someone else tells me I can't do something, my reaction is the complete opposite, I make sure I can, so as to prove a point, it's my stubborn nature! So from now on I'm going to treat that voice inside my head as a complete stranger when it tells me I can't do something, and in the wise words of my coach simply respond with 'yes I can' and just get on with it. 

Thursday, March 16, 2017

The feeling of resentment


Every day I set my alarm to a time that has a 4 at the start of it, a time that many would still consider to be night time.  I get myself ready for work, enjoy 5 minutes of peace and quiet as I drink a coffee and then I do some chores or catch up on work emails before its time to wake up my daughter.  I enter the toddler’s den and as she stirs and roles back over she grumbles “get out of my room mummy”, I sometimes wonder if she really is a 2 year old and dread to think what the teenage years might be like.  I then commence the 15 minute battle to get her out of bed and into clothes, often one item of PJ’s remain on underneath clothing as I have learnt to pick my battles, pony tails and shoes can wait until day care when the bear has fully awoken from her hibernation.  We drive to day care, at times still often in the dark, I give in and let her watch Peppa Pig on my phone.  As I leave her at day care I get a severe case of the mummy guilt, every single time, even though I know she loves it there, is well cared for and is happy.  I still hate walking away from her, abandoning her and going to work.



I go to work, power through as much as I possibly can in the hours that I am there, for I don’t have the luxury of being able to stay back, I have a little person waiting for me to pick her up at the end of the day, waiting for her mummy to return and give her a hug.  I squeeze in a gym session during my lunch break, this is usually my only chance at me time for the day, my colleagues may see it as a fitness obsession, for me I see it as my sanity.  I race out of the office each day, feeling guilty that I have left before my team and my co-workers, I drive to day care and am greeted by a huge smile and hugs from my gorgeous little girl, again I feel a pang of guilt that she has been there so long.  We then get to drive home in peak hour traffic, concentrating on driving whilst keeping the toddler entertained so to avoid melt down mode.



When we walk in the door each evening, it’s dinner, bath and bed time routine, there is no time for fun and play.  On a good night this is easy, we chat as she eats and has her bath, we cuddle over bed time stories and we kiss each other goodnight.  On a bad night the bedtime routine is full of screams and tears and can at times last hours, on these nights I feel frustrated, I’m all alone and these can be the longest and loneliest nights.  I feel guilty that I want her to go to sleep because I still have a million things to do, dishes, laundry, more work and I don’t want to be up all night, I need sleep too.



The next day we start this all over again, this is my week, this is my life.  I find myself multiple times a day feeling resentful towards the other parent, the one that tells me that they are as much of a mum as I am.  The one that is absent all week, that goes to work, does their own thing and then comes along on the weekends and gets to have the fun times.  The one that says they miss out on so much but doesn’t do anything about it, the one that never messages to ask how their daughter is. The one that doesn’t worry about going to work and getting the dreaded childcare phone call to pick up a sick child, the one that doesn’t have to go about day to day life caring for themselves as well as a young child.  The one that doesn’t contribute financially to the care and wellbeing of their own child, the one that calls me selfish yet continuously puts themselves and their needs ahead of their child’s.  The one that believes that being a good parent is just about having fun, that routine isn’t important.  The one that chooses to hate the mother of their child, rather than being mature and having a co-parenting relationship that enables the best care for their child.  I allow myself to feel so anxious every time  receive a text message from him, for I fear that every conversation results in some form of conflict, I'm too scared to have any form of discussion about the care of our daughter. I have come to fear the conflict so much that I choose to avoid it and find instead I start a war inside myself, every day angry and resentful. I hate that I allow myself to feel this way.

This is my life, every day I provide my daughter with the best possible care that I can, I face the attack of the mummy guilt on a daily, sometimes hourly basis.  I provide routine and discipline, I don’t get the luxury of always being the fun parent, I do the hard work all week with no support, only for someone else to come along and take away my opportunities for quality fun times.  I hope that one day my daughter is old enough to realise that being a good parent is more than just providing fun times, it’s providing care and support every single day, emotionally and financially.  It’s about having fun, providing education, teaching right from wrong, being strong at times and not giving into the toddler demands, even though sometimes it would be far easier. 

Tuesday, March 7, 2017

When someone tells you that you can't!

Mia has a series of Peppa Pig books that are about members of her family, My Mummy, My Grandpa etc.  My favourite page in the My Mummy book is where Peppa says “My mummy can do anything she puts her mind to, especially when someone tells her she can’t” damn straight you cute little Peppa Pig!  It seems Mia and Peppa have something in common (aside from their love of George!) they both have determined mummies who CAN do anything!  So you could only imagine my reaction recently when finding out that a colleague had told another colleague that there was no possible way I could win my competition in September.  Not, “it will be difficult for her to win”, or “she will have some strong competition”, but rather “there is no possible way that she can win”.  This then sparked a healthy debate that somehow led to a bet between colleagues around my ability to win or not to win (apparently there is now a whole betting syndicate that has started up!).  Little did this colleague know that by making this comment he has only spurred me on even further, given me the motivation to push that extra 10% each day.  I can guarantee that come September I will be taking to the stage the best possible body that I can, I will be working my butt off (literally) over the next 6 months to ensure that I give myself the best possible chance at winning.  But I’m not doing any of this for anyone else, I’m not trying to prove anything to anyone other than myself.  For this comp is all for me, whether I win against other competitors on the day or not I will always be a winner against myself if I know that I have given it my all.  When I used to compete in triathlon I always knew that if I crossed that finish line with nothing left in the tank then I couldn’t have done any better. This is a completely different world as it’s not about how fast I can go or my endurance, rather I am going to be up on stage in a bikini and heels in front of a panel of judges and an audience (yikes!) and I will be judged on my physique up against other amazing girls.  But there are some similarities to my triathlon days, preparation is key, even more so, if I don’t give it my all during the next 6 months then it will show up on stage. I need to remain mentally strong, push myself in the training and be committed to the nutrition. And of course practice make perfect!  Just like focusing on swimming, cycling and running technique is extremely important I am going to have to practice posing like there is no tomorrow, for posing will certainly not be my strength.  But like in triathlon, I was able to turn swimming from a weakness into a strength, I am hoping the same can be said for posing. 
So I’m not angry or disappointed that someone has doubted my ability to win, in some way’s I am happy, it has sparked a new fire inside me, one that is going to push me to the max and if I do manage to win in September then perhaps I owe a big thanks to this colleague (perhaps!).