Me

My blogs are often light hearted, and at times even humerous, especially some of the pre baby blogs! A friend and I had a good laugh over some last night as we took a trip down memory lane.  I'm known as someone who talks a lot and often shares too much about my life with others. However I often don't share the serious things, I let people believe that I am a tough strong woman who has it all when in reality I don't.

I never thought my life would turn out the way it has, I always wanted to have a nice happy family, the 2 kids, house with a white picket fence etc etc. Whilst many see me as being a very career driven woman, family has always meant more to me than a career. I feel truly blessed to have the beautiful little girl that I have and she means far more to me than anything else in my life.  I never thought though that I would be sitting here writing a blog about being a single mum.  

Of course my family and close friends all know that my partner and I separated but outside of that I've kept it to myself. I feel ashamed, I feel like a failure and I don't want people to judge me. I would much rather people continue to think that I have perfect life, happy family, great career, good health and all the rest. So when colleagues at work ask me when I'm having baby number two I just laugh and tell them not for a long time, one is enough, but inside me I feel pained.  What if I don't ever have any more children, what if Mia never gets to have brothers and sisters.  I worry about her missing out more than I worry about me having more children.

I feel like I miss out on so much of my precious girls life, when she's not with me my heart breaks as I miss her so much.  I cram a million things into a day just so I don't have time to think.

I envy my friends that are in loving relationships and bringing up their babies together, for I have so many friends with children Mia's age. I hear people make comments about how I'm amazing doing everything on my own, but if only they knew how much I wish that I had their life. My days are always hectic with work and caring for Mia but once she goes to bed at night, the loneliness sets in and I often find myself back at the computer working just to occupy my time. I like having a stressful workload as it gives me something to do.

I am so very lucky to have so many amazing friends and family though that have been here for me every day.  Not everyone is as lucky as me, my support network is fantastic and for that I feel truly blessed. Some think I'm doing it all on my own but I'm not, every day I have support even if it's just an ear on the other end of a phone.

She's not bossy!!

A few times I've made comments that I think Mia could be a bossy little girl as she gets a little bigger. A work colleague last night reminded me that we shouldn't refer to girls as bossy, boys are never referred to as bossy so why do we say girls are bossy? Also is there actually anything wrong with being bossy? We only think there is because of the use of the word! If we say someone in assertive then that's a positive trait, if we refer to someone as being a leader then we generally view them to be a positive role model. 

Why do we see traits that are positive for males as being negative for females? I recall starting a new job in my mid twenties and when being introduced to people I always gave a firm handshake, it was something my dad had taught me, never give a weak handshake.  Yet the following day I heard comments about how my handshake was very firm 'for a female'. In a workplace where men and women should be perceived to be equals then why is that we still make comments like that.  No one would ever make a comment about a male's handshake being too firm.

But it's not just in the work place that we make comments like that, and we are all guilty of it, males and females. If a girl is good at sport too often we say 'she's really good for a girl'. Why do we continue to say these things, why don't we just say 'she's awesome' no one ever says 'he's really good for a boy'.

I want to make sure that I am a positive role model for my little girl as she grows up, I hope that I can raise a strong woman who is successful in life, no matter what she chooses to do.  But I need to make sure that I'm positive in both my actions as well as my words.  So from now on I will never refer to my strong willed little girl as bossy.  She is a leader, independent, persistent and assertive.  These are all amazing traits for anyone to have, male or female.  I will encourage her every single day to be true to herself and do whatever she enjoys doing.  I will teach her to always believe in herself, to never doubt her abilities.  

So next time you see a little girl running around the playground in a tutu and gumboots being 'bossy' instead think of her as being a 'leader' you never know, she could grow up to be the Prime Minister of Our country, the CEO of a big company or the lead drummer in a successful band.