Bouncing back from rock bottom

It takes a strong person to admit that they have hit rock bottom, but an even stronger one to rise to the top again. It’s so easy to portray an image of yourself that is always smiling and looks like you have your shit together when really you’ve crumbled inside. For a variety of different reasons recently I have found myself falling slowly down a hole, letting things get to me that I know I shouldn’t.  

When someone told me earlier in the week that I didn’t know how easy I had it as a single mum I felt like punching a wall, how can it be that people can judge you purely based on your financial situation.  Sure I have a successful career, but I have worked my arse off to get to where I am.  I don’t have the support of family and friends on a daily basis to help me care for Mia and most of the time I feel pretty bloody isolated.  I don’t get invited out by single friends because I’ve said no too many times because I’m home with my toddler, I don’t get invited to dinner parties with my friends in couples because I am not part of a couple. I actually like going to work because it means I get to interact with other adults, I call my dad on an almost daily basis just to hear a friendly voice when the house is so lonely and quiet once Mia has gone to bed.

I got an invite from work inviting me on a 3 day ‘Senior Leadership Retreat’ and I wanted to scream, it’s not a retreat when you sit here stressing about how on earth you are going to attend something that is intended to support your career development when you have no-one to look after your daughter, I’m under pressure to work out what I want from my career when right now I don’t even know what I want for my dinner tonight! 

I let these, and other things really get me down this week until last night.  For last night I gave myself a good hard slap in the face and told myself to snap out of it, I am better than that.  

I put on my bikini and heels and decided to do some posing practice, I took a photo and in that instant I saw all of the hard work that I have put into my training over the past few months.  I loved what I saw, I felt proud.  To then receive some amazing comments on insta in relation to this photo made me feel even more awesome, especially coming from other inspiring and amazing fit mummas.

This morning I looked at my little girl, a tiny human that I created that brings be so much joy on a daily basis and I smiled.  I thought about all of my amazing friends and family who listen to my problems day in and day out, yet never complain.  I trained with my coach, who always manages to bring the best out of me and pushes me through my training. I started focusing only on the parts of my life that make me happy, sure there are parts of my life that I wish were different, but why waste time and energy focusing on these. Life’s too short to be sad, it’s too short to be grumpy.  Each day is a gift, and right now all I care about is being the best bloody version of myself that I can be, an awesome mum, a happy and positive person and someone that is going to keep working their arse off for the next 4 months and get on stage in a skimpy bloody bikini and bring home a trophy. Hell yeah!

 

Being Strong

Strength isn't about the size of your muscles or the weight on the squat rack at the gym, its about the strength you carry within you. I use the gym often as my escape, a place to prove to myself that I am strong, as the weights get heavier and my muscles more defined I continue to tell myself how strong I am. And then I have a day like yesterday, a day where I crumbled and felt weak, I let my emotions and insecurities get the better of me.  Even a lunch time gym session didn't save me, the place that is usually my escape failed me, for the first time in months I couldn't even get through a full session, I felt defeated. A state of anxiousness had made me feel so sick that I felt weak at the gym and couldn't even stomach food.
I spent my day feeling angry, angry that I had let myself get worked up over something that I shouldn't, angry that I had cried instead of staying strong, angry that I couldn't push through a training session, angry that I let personal life interfere with my work. I started to wonder how strong I truly was, doubting and questioning so many aspects of my life. Then I got home, I cuddled that gorgeous little girl of mine and I slowly felt my strength returning, I never realised just how much strength she brings me. An early night and a good night sleep (aside from being woken at 12.30am by a toddler insisting it was breakfast time) and its amazing how much better you can feel.  A new day with new perspective, a chance to reflect on yesterday, realising that it's not worth allowing a few painful minutes ruin a day, a month, a year.  A new day to rise and be stronger than yesterday, a new day to be a better version of me, a new day to smash those weights at the gym (well maybe not today, it's actually a rest day). A day like yesterday doesn't make me a weak person, in fact it only makes me stronger and makes me refocus on what is truly important in my life.