Me

My blogs are often light hearted, and at times even humerous, especially some of the pre baby blogs! A friend and I had a good laugh over some last night as we took a trip down memory lane.  I'm known as someone who talks a lot and often shares too much about my life with others. However I often don't share the serious things, I let people believe that I am a tough strong woman who has it all when in reality I don't.

I never thought my life would turn out the way it has, I always wanted to have a nice happy family, the 2 kids, house with a white picket fence etc etc. Whilst many see me as being a very career driven woman, family has always meant more to me than a career. I feel truly blessed to have the beautiful little girl that I have and she means far more to me than anything else in my life.  I never thought though that I would be sitting here writing a blog about being a single mum.  

Of course my family and close friends all know that my partner and I separated but outside of that I've kept it to myself. I feel ashamed, I feel like a failure and I don't want people to judge me. I would much rather people continue to think that I have perfect life, happy family, great career, good health and all the rest. So when colleagues at work ask me when I'm having baby number two I just laugh and tell them not for a long time, one is enough, but inside me I feel pained.  What if I don't ever have any more children, what if Mia never gets to have brothers and sisters.  I worry about her missing out more than I worry about me having more children.

I feel like I miss out on so much of my precious girls life, when she's not with me my heart breaks as I miss her so much.  I cram a million things into a day just so I don't have time to think.

I envy my friends that are in loving relationships and bringing up their babies together, for I have so many friends with children Mia's age. I hear people make comments about how I'm amazing doing everything on my own, but if only they knew how much I wish that I had their life. My days are always hectic with work and caring for Mia but once she goes to bed at night, the loneliness sets in and I often find myself back at the computer working just to occupy my time. I like having a stressful workload as it gives me something to do.

I am so very lucky to have so many amazing friends and family though that have been here for me every day.  Not everyone is as lucky as me, my support network is fantastic and for that I feel truly blessed. Some think I'm doing it all on my own but I'm not, every day I have support even if it's just an ear on the other end of a phone.

She's not bossy!!

A few times I've made comments that I think Mia could be a bossy little girl as she gets a little bigger. A work colleague last night reminded me that we shouldn't refer to girls as bossy, boys are never referred to as bossy so why do we say girls are bossy? Also is there actually anything wrong with being bossy? We only think there is because of the use of the word! If we say someone in assertive then that's a positive trait, if we refer to someone as being a leader then we generally view them to be a positive role model. 

Why do we see traits that are positive for males as being negative for females? I recall starting a new job in my mid twenties and when being introduced to people I always gave a firm handshake, it was something my dad had taught me, never give a weak handshake.  Yet the following day I heard comments about how my handshake was very firm 'for a female'. In a workplace where men and women should be perceived to be equals then why is that we still make comments like that.  No one would ever make a comment about a male's handshake being too firm.

But it's not just in the work place that we make comments like that, and we are all guilty of it, males and females. If a girl is good at sport too often we say 'she's really good for a girl'. Why do we continue to say these things, why don't we just say 'she's awesome' no one ever says 'he's really good for a boy'.

I want to make sure that I am a positive role model for my little girl as she grows up, I hope that I can raise a strong woman who is successful in life, no matter what she chooses to do.  But I need to make sure that I'm positive in both my actions as well as my words.  So from now on I will never refer to my strong willed little girl as bossy.  She is a leader, independent, persistent and assertive.  These are all amazing traits for anyone to have, male or female.  I will encourage her every single day to be true to herself and do whatever she enjoys doing.  I will teach her to always believe in herself, to never doubt her abilities.  

So next time you see a little girl running around the playground in a tutu and gumboots being 'bossy' instead think of her as being a 'leader' you never know, she could grow up to be the Prime Minister of Our country, the CEO of a big company or the lead drummer in a successful band. 

Celebrating a promotion by caring for baby with gastro!!

2 weeks I blogged about myself having gastro and how hard it is to be sick when you are a mum, at the time I high fived the fact that Mia managed to stay healthy.  Today I was not so lucky, the day started with Mia projectile vomiting a bottle of milk all over me, teddy and the floor.  After vomiting though she was happy and laughing so I thought (wishful thinking) it could be just an isolated incident as that has happened before.  So we finished getting ready and left the house for work and childcare, me still smelling like baby spew.  After being at work for about 30 minutes I saw the childcare number appear on my phone and upon answering learnt that Mia had vomitted up her breakfast so it was a very short lived day at work and off to go collect a sick baby. Probably not a bad thing as I think my colleagues noticed the odour of baby spew, so much so that someone offerred up a bottle of sickly strong cheap perfume to try to mask the stench!

Whilst part of me wanted nothing more than to be there to care for my little girl, the thought of a day dealing with vomit and poo was not really how I wanted to be spending my Friday.  Especially not the Friday where my promotion at work was officially being announced. I can't complain, whilst Mia may have been sick today she sure is a little trooper.  One tough little cookie that clearly takes after her mummy!! 

I was about to say that I feel lucky for receiving a promotion at work, especially now that I am a working mum, but that's exactly the kind of statement a woman would make.  Yes I guess I am lucky, but I earnt it based on my performance, I've proven that I can still deliver a high standard at work as well as being a great mum to my little girl.  Yes sometimes I have to compromise and more often than not, that compromise is work as Mia will always come first. Yes I often spend my evenings on the laptop finishing off some work but if it means leaving the office at a reasonable hour to spend time with my gorgeous girl then that is exactly what I will do.  

So here's to my promotion and surviving a day with a baby with gastro, definitely much easier caring for a sick baby than trying to care for a healthy baby whilst being sick!! 

I may not be out celebrating with friends over wine (my body will probably thank me tomorrow) but I am about to sit down to a home cooked chilli & garlic prawn pasta with a glass of wine. I have Magic Mike 2 in the DVD player and a tub of chocolate icecream in the freezer, not to mention a baby peacefully sleeping in her cot. So not such a bad Friday after all!!

Outsourcing

I've always been known as someone that likes to take on the world. I often over commit and I thrive off being busy.  But I have finally reached a point where even I realise my limits and know that it's time to ask for help.  I've taught myself that it's okay to get help and that you don't need to be superwoman all of the time (just when it counts!)  Now that I have taken on the daunting task of returning to full time work, I need more help than ever!! Last week I took on the task of hiring a cleaner, she came highly recommended to me by a fellow mum, but as I have extremely high standards I was a little nervous about whether she would live up to my expectations.  I need not have worried, when I returned home from work on Tuesday to a house that was sparkling from top to bottom I realised I had just hired an angel!! She must have moved every piece of furniture in the house as she seemed to have uncovered a million odd dusty socks, toys and other bits and pieces that had obviously been hiding under furniture that I clearly don't clean under! Considering I think that I am fairly thorough she certainly put my cleaning to shame, she even went so far as to pull apart and clean the coffee machine!!

With a cleaner hired, it was time to start a much tougher task of finding a nanny to care for Mia a few hours a week so that I could work from home one day per week.  Having had success in hiring a nanny previously I wasn't anticipating too many problems. I am now 3 interviews down and with no success, yes I may be fussy, but when it comes to finding someone to care for my precious baby girl I feel that I have every right to be as fussy as I want.  The first nanny seemed lovely enough but was clearly a smoker, and whilst I know that one should not discriminate, I don't want Mia to be in the care of someone who smokes.  The second nanny seemed a little odd on the phone, however as I could tell she was driving at the time I thought perhaps she was just a little distracted so gave her the benefit of the doubt.  She showed no interest whatsoever in interacting with Mia, in fact she seemed to be generally disinterested in life full stop, definitely not the kind of person I want my daughter spending time with. Nanny number 3 was nice, though seemed slightly too young and immature. With another 3 interviews lined up for next week I am hoping that one of them will be a winner.  Currently I'm putting my money on the 70 year old that lives around the corner. In speaking to her on the phone she certainly doesn't sound like a 70 year old!! She has an iPhone and sends text messages using the word 'ditto'. She also mentioned that she regularly frequents coffee shops near my home and would love to take Mia for babycino's, I'm sure if Mia was conducting the interviews then she would win hands down!!

Online Shopping

I've always enjoyed a bit of online shopping, I've been known to find many a bargain on eBay, do all of my Christmas shopping online in search of the perfect gifts and purchase many cute handmade items from Etsy. 

This year though more than ever I am embracing the world of online shopping. As a time poor working mum the last thing I want to be doing is spend my weekends shopping with a baby in tow, so I often find myself shopping online once the bubba is in bed!! Sometimes in search of a bargain, other times just for the pure convenience. Tonight for instance, running low on summer clothes to send Mia to childcare in I decided to jump on the Target website and bag a few bargains, orders of over $75 are delivered free so not only do I save myself a trip to the shops but it gets delivered to my door for free, and $75 at target can go a long way for a baby (2 dresses, 2 shorts, 4 t-shirts and a play suit). If only I could spend $75 on myself and get that many new clothes!!

Bonds is another wonderful website for kids shopping, again with free shipping, and bonds permanently has sales on so you never pay full price for anything.

eBay is often my go to place when searching for clothes for myself, I often buy secondhand clothes that people like me have bought, worn once and then realised will never wear again.  As long as you shop brands that you know your size then you can do pretty well out of it.  Another trick for eBay shopping is to set up your bids using bidscheduler which enables you to set you maximum limit and places a bid just seconds before the auction ends.  I have won many an item using this site!! It can also be a great place to sell some of those unwanted clothes in the wardrobe, brand names in good condition can often get quite good prices.

I also love internet shopping for when you are trying to search for that perfect gift for someone, Etsy and handmade.com.au are great sites for picking up unique gifts.

Probably my favourite part of online shopping though is having packages delivered, with very little snail mail these days and mostly only bills it's like getting presents in the post, even if you did pay for them yourself!! There is something just a tiny bit exciting about receiving and opening packages, or perhaps that's just a sign of how boring my life truly has become!

One sick mumma

In having just survived a terrible gastro filled weekend I realised that in the midst of my sickness the blog was forgotten about, the only positive is that a weekend of gastro certainly gives me something to blog about.

Parenting can certainly be a tough gig, it has it's ups and downs, though I've certainly experienced far more ups that I have downs. Saturday morning I hit my rock bottom moment in parenting when I discovered that it is really not much fun to be sick whilst trying to care for a demanding one year old.

Waking up on Saturday morning I felt a bit queasy but I decided to push on with the day, hoping that it would pass, I was hoping the power of the mind would be stronger than the body! So Mia and I continued on our Saturday morning ritual to our local cafe for a coffee and a babycino. In hindsight this was the worst possible move and I fear I have now put myself off coffee for life.  Let me assure you, coffee might taste nice going down but it certainly doesn't coming back up. I spent the majority of the morning with my head over the toilet, with poor Mia having no idea what was going on, crying whilst I was vomiting and then curiously peeping into the toilet bowl to see what was going on.

Mia clearly sensed something was not right and at one point whilst I was lying on the lounge floor as she played she waddled off into her bedroom and reappeared with her teddy and a sleeping bag, giving me the teddy and putting the sleeping bag on top of me.  She must have thought I needed a nap and when she needs a nap she goes in a sleeping bag and cuddles teddy, despite how sick I felt this was truly a precious moment.

By lunchtime I was miserable and it was off to the chemist to get anything I possibly could to make me feel better, a sight I must have been to the pharmacist as I was in tears, emotional from being sick and struggling to look after myself, let alone Mia.

I put in a rescue call and was extremely lucky that my mum was able to come over for the rest of the day to care for Mia, I think Mia was slightly relieved when Gran arrived too as I think Mia was starting to wonder how much longer she was going to have to look after mummy rather than mummy look after her.

I hate being sick at the best of times but when it ruins a beautiful Saturday that could have been better spent having fun with my munchkin then I hate it even more.  Thankfully Mia has managed to not get sick, and hopefully it stays that way!! 

Triathlon of a different kind!

Pre baby I used to get up at the crack of dawn on a Saturday morning and cycle for countless hours to train for triathlons. Post baby I am still getting up the crack of dawn but instead of training for triathlons I'm completing one of a very different kind!!

The alarm goes off at 6am and it's pre transition time, fuelling time (for baby, not me!). A happy smile always greets me as I enter her room with bottle and teddy in hand, big good morning hugs for teddy as she gulps down her milk, such a peaceful time of the day as I hold her in my arms knowing that all too soon she will be too big for this. With the bottle slammed down it is time to commence leg one of the day! 

The breakfast challenge commences with me attempting to cook eggs and make coffee with a toddler at my feet emptying out the Tupperware cupboard.  Has a whole room of toys that she could be playing with but of course if I'm in the kitchen so too is she.  With brekky cooked we sit down to eat our avo and eggs and drink our coffees (babycino of course for the baby!), eggs and avo are everywhere and then of course teddy has to join and eat brekky too, then dolly and penguin.  Before I know it I'm hosting a very messy breakfast party, all whilst having to read "where is the green sheep".

With leg one out the way we transition to leg two. This transition is always a challenging one and can take anywhere from 2 minutes to 10 minutes depending on how co-operative the little monkey wants to be. It's time to get dressed and change the horrendous smelling stench coming from one tiny little human. If nappy changing was a race I would be losing today, it's like trying to hold down a wriggling octopus whilst trying not to get poo everywhere. Finally after an extremely long transition we are set for leg 2 and we're off to the park to burn off some energy.  Melbourne weather has finally started to warm up and it's so nice to be able to leave the house early in shorts and t-shirt, it also makes life much easier getting the tiny human dressed when not having to wear 5 layers of clothing.

I don't know who burns off the most energy at the park as I chase around after a laughing squealing baby that now runs rather than walks (I wonder where she gets that from). 

We go our seperate ways for leg 3, baby goes down for a nap while mummy crams in a session on the wind trainer. There is nothing better than the taste of sweat as I work through 15 x 1 minute sprints. No more 4 hour rides, I train smarter now with short sharp sessions that can fit into nap times or work lunch breaks.

It's not even 10am and already it feels as though we've achieved so much, soon baby will be up and we still have a whole day of adventure left ahead of us.