Me

My blogs are often light hearted, and at times even humerous, especially some of the pre baby blogs! A friend and I had a good laugh over some last night as we took a trip down memory lane.  I'm known as someone who talks a lot and often shares too much about my life with others. However I often don't share the serious things, I let people believe that I am a tough strong woman who has it all when in reality I don't.

I never thought my life would turn out the way it has, I always wanted to have a nice happy family, the 2 kids, house with a white picket fence etc etc. Whilst many see me as being a very career driven woman, family has always meant more to me than a career. I feel truly blessed to have the beautiful little girl that I have and she means far more to me than anything else in my life.  I never thought though that I would be sitting here writing a blog about being a single mum.  

Of course my family and close friends all know that my partner and I separated but outside of that I've kept it to myself. I feel ashamed, I feel like a failure and I don't want people to judge me. I would much rather people continue to think that I have perfect life, happy family, great career, good health and all the rest. So when colleagues at work ask me when I'm having baby number two I just laugh and tell them not for a long time, one is enough, but inside me I feel pained.  What if I don't ever have any more children, what if Mia never gets to have brothers and sisters.  I worry about her missing out more than I worry about me having more children.

I feel like I miss out on so much of my precious girls life, when she's not with me my heart breaks as I miss her so much.  I cram a million things into a day just so I don't have time to think.

I envy my friends that are in loving relationships and bringing up their babies together, for I have so many friends with children Mia's age. I hear people make comments about how I'm amazing doing everything on my own, but if only they knew how much I wish that I had their life. My days are always hectic with work and caring for Mia but once she goes to bed at night, the loneliness sets in and I often find myself back at the computer working just to occupy my time. I like having a stressful workload as it gives me something to do.

I am so very lucky to have so many amazing friends and family though that have been here for me every day.  Not everyone is as lucky as me, my support network is fantastic and for that I feel truly blessed. Some think I'm doing it all on my own but I'm not, every day I have support even if it's just an ear on the other end of a phone.