Mixed Emotions

Day 4 of my mat leave and all this free time allows my mind to work overtime!  Part of me can't wait to meet my little girl, I am so excited to see what she looks like and finally hold her in my arms for the first time. I can't wait to bring her home and show her all the love we have for her and the wonderful nursery we've created for her.

Then there is the part of me that starts thinking about the labour and how petrified I am to actually go through the birth and bring her into the world, although upon reviewing the 32 week scan her head is normal size, it's just her belly that's off the charts for size and apparently head size is the only thing to worry about (I'm not so convinced). I know that women go through child birth every day and that our bodies were made for this so called amazing thing, but it doesn't mean I can't be absolutely s**t scared of my body being torn apart to bring life into this world.

Then I start thinking about what happens when I bring her home from hospital, what if I have no idea what to do, what if I am a terrible mum.  I've always been so in control of my life, from my education to my career and my sporting achievements, I've always had so much control over all of these elements.  For the first time ever I am going to have no control and it scares me. 

I think about my body (I know this sounds vain), am I ever going to get my old body back, will my stretch marks ever fade away? Some women will criticise me for even thinking this, tell me that the extra flab on my belly and thighs, the saggy boobs and the stretch marks are all just part of the experience and it is such a beautiful thing to be able to bring life into this world.  I used to pride myself on my fitness and now I look at old photos and wonder will I ever look like that again, will I ever get my fitness back.

I think ahead to next year when I return to work and wonder how am I going to juggle a career and motherhood and can I really do both well.  I feel guilty that I'm going to be putting my little girl into child care at only 6 months so that I can go back to work, to earn money to make sure she has the best possible life.  I worry that I won't be any good at my career because I'll spend all day thinking about my little girl, I worry that I won't be a good mum because I wont't be there for her when she needs a hug, I may miss out on those special first moments.

I've spent the past 8 months wishing time would hurry up so that I can hold her in my arms but now that it's so close I feel so scared. I always put so much pressure on myself to deliver the best I can in life, no matter what it is that I am doing, and motherhood is no different, I want to be the best mum that I possibly can.  I'm scared that I won't be and this is the most important job I'll ever have in my life.