Feeling Guilty

With motherhood has come a feeling that I had rarely ever felt before, the constant feeling of guilt. 

When I'm at work I find myself feeling guilty for being a working mum and not spending more precious time with my little girl who is growing up far too quickly. When I leave work at 5pm on the dot I feel guilty that I'm not in the office working more hours, even though I know I'll be putting in those extra hours in the evening once Mia is in bed. I feel guilty that I'm not the same career driven woman I used to be, guilty that my priorities have shifted now that I'm a mum.

I find myself desperately wanting some 'me time' to cycle, to sleep in, to go out with friends but when I do finally get that precious time, I end up not enjoying it as much as I should as I again feel guilty for being away from my beautiful girl. I spend enough hours working that I should want to spend all of my non working hours having fun with my daughter.

Lately I've been tired and my baby is becoming a toddler that has attitude, by the end of the day I'm exhausted and at times feel frustrated when she doesn't co-operate. Again I find myself feeling guilty, she's just a very small human still finding her place in this world and it's my job to have the patience to guide her without getting frustrated.

So maybe you can try to do everything; juggle a career, be a mum and still be yourself. You just end up spending all of your time feeling guilty for not doing something else!

Travelling, Toddlers and Tantrums

Today I was that mum on the plane with the hysterical toddler, half of the plane felt pity for me whilst the other half probably wondered why I couldn't get her to stop crying. It was so horrific that the couple sitting next to me had to move seats. At one point I thought Mia was going to be sick she had herself worked up so much. A delayed flight combined with an overtired toddler are really not a good combination. I sat there in tears myself, willing her to be quiet and stop crying, I felt terrible for her, seeing her so upset, I felt bad for the other passengers having to listen to her and I wanted to be any place but there. She did eventually fall asleep and I sat there for the whole flight trapped under a snotty, sweaty little toddler, too scared to move even an inch for fear she would wake again and start screaming again. As I looked at her peacefully sleeping I started to think about our upcoming holiday to Fiji and now fear the trip immensely! I don't think I could possibly handle another flight ordeal like the one we endured today. Travelling solo with a toddler is certainly a challenge, as much as I love my mini me I fear the days of having a relaxing holiday are long gone!

Friends

Never underestimate the true value of a great friendship. So many different friends enter our lives over the years, some that will stay for a lifetime and others maybe only for a season. This weekend I have had the pleasure in being able to spend Easter with a number of friends and it's made me feel so lucky to have so many truly amazing people in my life.

There is my awesome kiwi cycling buddy who is always willing to meet at crazy hours of the morning, even at 6am on Good Friday in the dark. Couldn't have thought of a better way to start Easter than to cycle a few km's on the bike whilst debriefing about our week! This friendship was one that evolved through a shared love of triathlons and whilst we don't train to race any more we still like to push each other out on the bike.

To undo all the work on the bike I then had the pleasure of an afternoon of cheese and champagne with 3 beautiful girls that I've known now for 20 years. Makes me feel very old to say that out loud! I've known these friends since high school and whilst our lives have all gone in different directions and we really don't share common interests we're always there for each other. These are the friends I can laugh with, I can cry with and I never ever care what they think of me. With one of these friends so close that she was even there to share in the birth of my daughter.

Today I was invited to a BBQ at a friends place, someone who I also met through triathlon but only really became close with when we were both single and going through a slightly crazy time in our lives, I feel that this is a friend that came into my life for a reason! Since becoming a mum and our lives going in different directions I haven't really spent much time with her but when the espresso martinis were served this afternoon it did bring back some fun memories!

And finally tomorrow I will have the pleasure of having coffee with a truly dear friend of mine, who in some ways feels like a bit of a mother to me. She's my rock when I need advice, always so calm and collected. Again someone that I really don't have a lot in common with, we met through work and over the years have become very close. She's helped me move houses, bid at auctions for me, cared for my daughter, listened to me complain about work, life, anything! 

I feel truly blessed to have so many beautiful friends in my life, whether I see them weekly, monthly or only once a year. So thank you for being my friend!

Getting out of a rut

Lately I have found myself in a rut that I haven't seemed to be able to get out of. There doesn't seem to be one individual thing driving this rut, just a number of smaller things that I've allowed to compound into a deep rut.

I've found myself not exercising, finding a million excuses not to, no time, too tired, too many other things to do. Yet I know that being fit is one of the things that makes me feel good about myself and contributes to my happiness.

I've found myself getting frustrated with my job, but not for any real reason, I think the juggling act of full time work and motherhood has started to take its toll and I feel like I'm not doing either to the best of my ability which frustrates the hell out of me. I always love to put 110% into everything I do and so when I'm not I get dissapointed with myself.

I've been on the search for a new house, a place to call home for Mia and I. I fell in love with a beautiful place that would have been perfect for us, only to get outbid at auction last week which really got me down. The search is time consuming and draining and so not my style! I like to decide on something and just go out and get it, not have to fight for it!

I've felt like I've been in some kind of mid life crisis, where I woke up one day and started wondering how the hell my life got to be the way it is. 

Then this morning as I watched my super adorable little mini me walking around the house with her cute blonde pigtails with her hand out saying 'stop' I did just that, I stopped. I paused and took a deep breath and I let it out with a huge sigh of relief and a smile on my face. I realised that the answer to my rut was to stop all of my negative thoughts and think only positively. I gave that adorable little girl a huge hug and a kiss and we did a little dance as we walked out the door. I spent the day feeling positive with work, refocused and managing one thing at a time and not worrying about anything outside of my control. 

It's amazing how the power of positive thought can really change your whole outlook. Now if only the power of positive thought could just find me a new house for the right price!

Enjoy life - do whatever makes you happy!

It seems that all too often these days we are taking on the advice of others, whether the advice is coming from friends, family, or so called experts. Everyone seems to have an opinion on the 'right' way to live life. What you should eat, wear, drink (or not drink), how to raise children, where to invest money, the list goes on.

There is no 'right' way to live life, but there is only 'one' way to live life and that is to live life doing whatever makes you happy! Happiness will be different for every single person so don't ever feel guilty for doing what makes you happy. Don't judge others and what they do, as long as they are happy in life then what should it matter to you what they are doing! Don't envy others and their happiness, you choose everything you do in life so choose to do what makes you happy. 

I'm not busy!!

I'm not busy says she who by 11am on a Saturday morning has already cycled 70km, washed and hung out 3 loads of laundry, cleaned out the fridge and freezer, menu planned and grocery shopped and even washed one very dirty bike!!

This past week I attended a networking event hosted by Westpac Bank where the guest speaker was Kate Christie, author of a book called Me Time - The Professional Woman's Guide to finding 30 guilt-free hours a month! It was a great event and she spoke about being busy and how we can be less busy in our lives, sharing 5 key tips!

Positive Mindset

I don't know how many times when someone asks me how I am my immediate response is 'I'm good, but so busy at the moment' and quickly the conversation can turn to a negative one about how busy everyone is. So yesterday when a colleague asked how I was I replied with 'I'm really good!' Her response back was 'busy though right?' to which I laughed and said no! My response no doubt surprised her so I had to launch into an explanation about the event I had attended the previous evening. From now on I'm going to think of myself as being super productive which is far more positive than saying I'm busy! And to be honest 80% of my busyness is all of my own doing!

Stop Multitasking!

Apparently despite the common belief that women are great multitaskers there is only 2% of the population that are genuinely good at multi-tasking so to be more productive in our days we should all stop multitasking!! When it comes to the work place I completely agree with this, I know how disruptive a simple check of an email or text can be when I'm in the middle of working on something. I even pulled myself up the other day when I was trying to pull together 2 presentations at the same time and could quickly see a disaster unfolding so closed one and focused on finishing one at a time.  However at home I genuinely do believe I am a good multitasker so perhaps I fit within the 2% of the population!! I can cook 2 meals whilst doing the dishes and putting on the laundry! Sure there have been times when the recipe hasn't quite gone to plan because I've missed out vital ingredients, but largely at home I think I can multitask!!

Say 'no' in a nice way!

So many of my friends and colleagues complain all the time about how busy they are but they generally have one thing in common, they can't say no to people, they are too nice!! You don't have to be rude when saying no, but for our own sanity we have to stop committing to too many things and learn how to politely say no to people.  There is absolutely nothing wrong with saying no!! Choose the things you want to say yes to and politely say no to anything else!!

Put a price on your time

Work out an hourly rate for yourself and think about how much money is then wasted on time zapping activities, the example that was used on the evening was that if you value your time at $50 an hour and you spend one hour per day on Facebook then you are wasting $18,000 per year!! Now I'm pretty sure if someone said to you that it was going to cost you $50/hour to use Facebook most people would stop using it!! The other tip was to insource!! There are plenty of things your kids can be doing to help out and save you time, apparently a 7 year old is capable of making their own school lunches - hopefully they are also capable of cleaning up the mess afterwards! I wonder what chores I can start giving to an 18month old, other than of course the laundry which she seems to have mastered!!

Outsourcing

Going on with the theme of valuing your time she spoke about how often it can be cheaper to outsource activities when you put an hourly rate on your time, often you can get someone to do something at a lower rate and more efficiently!! I am all for outsourcing having recently rehired a cleaner  that has given me back my weekends to focus on activities that I enjoy and spending more valuable time with my precious little girl.  Sure I could be saving that money but if you value your time as money too then really I'm ahead.

After the event I started to think about where all my time went and how I could save more time, I realised quickly that I spend far too much time on social media and other online activities with this often eating into precious sleep time. So this weekend I am going out and buying an alarm clock so I don't have to use my phone as an alarm and each night when I go to bed the phone can stay in the kitchen! So many an evening I go to bed and I just do a quick check of emails which turns into a check of Instagram and then Facebook then realestate.com and so forth and before I know it I've lost an hour of sleep time!! I'm also going to be smarter with cooking, there is no need to cook gourmet meals each night of the week, no one died from eating just meat and veg, sure it's not quite as exciting but such a quick and easy option and still very nutritious!!

So next time someone asks you how you are, don't say busy and if you are super busy then think about what you can do to change it and what you would do with your time if you could get back an hour a week!!

Being Independent

As I watch my little girl grow more and more each day, I see her independence strengthen by the minute and I realise quickly that the young girl I see in front of me is just a pint sized version of myself. From a young age I've always been fairly independent. My parents raised me to be a strong and independent young woman.

Unfortunately sometimes I think perhaps I'm too independent, it's not always a positive trait. I struggle to ask others for help, for I am too proud and have to do everything myself. Yesterday as someone offered to give me a hand carrying my bags I politely declined and then I heard a little parrot pipe in "we're all good, thanks" at 2, she is already turning down assistance and insisting on doing everything on her own. I suppose I should at least be grateful that she used her manners!

I often find it hard to let others in, sure I have amazing friends but I often keep them at an arms length and don't share a lot of my feelings with them. I'd rather people see me as strong and independent with no weaknesses. I often believe that the reason I am single is because I'm too independent, I like my life the way it is, I like doing what I want and went I want. Perhaps that's just known as selfishness as opposed to being independent, maybe.

I'm self sufficient and have been for a long time, I earn my own money, I can change a tyre on my car, I can fix my bike, in most aspects of life I'm pretty good at fending for myself. I've always thought it's a great thing to be self sufficient and independent but as I watch my little girl grow I realise that it's not all it's cracked up to be. It's my job to teach her that independence is good, but it's also good to let others in to help you. Don't put up you wall so high that no one  can ever climb over, don't keep your friends at arms length, let them in for the good and the bad. Be self sufficient but don't be too proud to be resourceful and seek help from those around you.