No baby = booze, no biking and no baking!

The plans were to have an extremely productive long weekend, those plans went out the window after one too many (or perhaps 5 too many) wines on Friday!

It's not often I get the chance to go out drinking these days and that's probably a good thing as I really don't handle alcohol very well. So with Melbourne turning on a cracker of a day on Friday and the added bonus of a new public holiday I took the opportunity to catch up with some friends for a couple of wines in the sun on Friday arvo. The intention was to have a couple of drinks, drive home, prepare gourmet food for Grand Final BBQ and be in bed nice and early so that I could go cycling in the morning. Well good intentions were out the window after my 3rd glass of wine, next thing I knew it was 10.30 and I was extremely drunk and in a taxi on my way home feeling rather sorry for myself. Luckily there was one lonely lemonade icy pole in the freezer waiting for me on my arrival home. Mental note to self 'always have lemonade icy poles on hand' actually scrap that, just don't drink alcohol!!

Needless to say there was no gourmet baking happening and when I awoke at 5.30am Sat and could barely walk there wasn't going to be any cycling either.

So instead of turning up to the bbq with a kale, buckwheat and spicy pepita salad and a sugar free, gluten free, dairy free snickers cake I turned up with chips, dip and cheese (thanks Woolworths!)

The bbq was great, the baby had fun, if fun is to be measured on a scale of how much food you can eat and how dirty you can get then I'd say she had a 10/10 day! And with baby in tow and still nursing a hangover I steered clear of any booze and had a wonderful afternoon with friends (thanks Tom and Chloe for hosting).

Balance is the key!

The key to riding a bike is balance, no balance and you'll find yourself face first on the asphalt! The key to success in life is no different, it's all about balance, however finding the right balance in life is somewhat more difficult than balancing on a bike (unless of course you've had a few vino's, then balancing on a bike can be a little more challenging).

After a relaxing holiday in the sun last week, I have come back refreshed with a new lease on life and a clear vision of what I want (though that could just be my 2nd glass of wine talking). I'm having success in my career and actually feeling really positive in this space, I finally feel like I've found my balance in the work/mum juggling act that isn't always easy. My fears of no longer being successful in my career have disappeared as I realise I am still the same career focused woman I have always been, only difference is it's now not my number 1 priority in life.

Last Sunday I enjoyed a great ride with some great friends on a sunny Melbourne spring morning, and whilst my fitness is nothing like it used to be, the chance to get out and ride and chat and be me was such an amazing feeling and a great way to spend a Sunday morning. Lately I've found it all too easy to find reasons not to exercise, too tired, too busy with work, wanting to spend time with Mia. Sunday made me realise just how much I need exercise to be me! It's who I am, it's in my blood, not just going to the gym but getting out in the fresh air and going for a ride or a run. It's been almost 2 years since I last ran and for the first time this week I had the desire to run again, though given a weak pelvic floor this could end in disaster! 

I even baked this week, healthy treats of course! Yes I'm a bit of a nanna, but baking is therapeutic and good for the sole! Plus it gives Mia and I healthy treats to snack on. I think Mia is thanking her lucky stars that she's got a mum that loves cooking so much!

The time spent with Mia this week has been better than ever, as all I've done is focused on her during that time, the dishes and chores can wait, work can be done when she's in bed and I've set aside time just for me. It's amazing how much more you appreciate time with a child when you are completely present and attentive and not worrying about jobs that need to be done. Though Mia is a pretty good little helper so we do manage to do washing together, just need to teach her to only take clothes off the clothes line when dry not wet, and to put clothes in the drawers not take them out. I've not rushed bedtime once this week but rather let her choose books for me to read, the squeals of delight as she chooses another book is music ever to my ears and I don't even care if I'm creating a child that will ask for millions of stories before bed time!

I want my little girl to see me for me, not just me as mum. I want to be the best female role model that she has in life, I want to teach her that she can be whatever she wants to be and that you don't have to make choices in life because you really can have it all, sure you may need to prioritise, but with the right balance you really can have it all.

Time to be me!!

Here I sit 30,000 feet in the air with a small sweaty child fast asleep in my lap, one chubby little hand resting on my arm with the other at her mouth as she sucks on her thumb. I sit watching her sleep and wonder how I got here, how my life went from travelling overseas carting a bike bag to travelling to Noosa with a pram and an infant. We've just had the most beautiful week away enjoying some precious mother daughter time in the sunshine, away from all of the stresses of day to day life where the only decisions we needed to make each day was where to have our morning coffee and babycino. I love my little girl more than anything in the world but as we sit here now, me willing her to stay asleep so that she doesn't annoy the uptight couple to the left of us, I think about my old life. A life filled with training long hours, working even longer hours, being spontaneous, socialising over wine and good food. It's amazing how something so small can change your life so quickly and so drastically. Whilst I wouldn't change anything about my life (asides maybe winning lottery and moving somewhere on the beach!) I find myself at times missing me, not necessarily missing my old life but missing 'me'. I feel I am now suddenly defined as a mum, that when I gave birth the old me disappeared and I suddenly just became a mum and that was who I would be from now on. I find myself making career decisions not based on what is best for me but what is best for my family, I no longer spend hours training and keeping fit, but rather try to cram in 40mins at the gym on a lunch break. I am envious of those friends that are still childless that can enjoy the luxury of a weekend sleep in, can laze around having brunch and reading the newspaper and can spontaneously go out for dinner and drinks to fancy restaurants.

My daydreaming is suddenly interrupted by a sudden wetness and warmth seaping into my shorts as I realise that the small sweaty infant in my lap has just weed on me, I regret now not having changed her nappy before we got onto the plane, though I am thankful that it's only wee and nothing else! As a piercing scream from another child startles the one on my lap I am quickly bought back to the reality of motherhood, changing nappies, singing songs, playing games and doing anything to keep her happy for the remainder of the flight.

As I disembark the flight I vow to be the best mum I can possibly be to my daughter but I also now make a promise to myself to regain some of me. For regaining my own identity will only make me a better mother and role model to my gorgeous little girl. It's time to stop feeling selfish for having time to be me, to dust off the bike and get back on the road!

Week 2 not so smooth sailing!

Whilst week one of my return to work was a success I can't quite say the same for week 2.

On Monday morning there was no bouncing out of bed at 4.45am in the morning, the snooze button on the alarm was indeed pressed as week 1 had perhaps taken its toll on me (though I would never admit it). I left Mia in the care of my mum for the day and it was off to work for week 2! Upon arrival at work I parked my car in a 2 hour parking spot as I needed to take it to the mechanics, at 1pm I realised that not only had I completely forgotten to take it to the mechanics but it was still in the 2 hour parking zone. Of course I received a parking fine so it was an expensive start to the week!

Tuesday I did manage to drag myself out of bed at 4.45am and off to the gym, as I always feel so much better after exercising, it was a positive start to the day until I got Mia up and she was coughing like crazy so there was no way I could send her to childcare and only a little over a week into being back at work I was already needing to take a day off to care for my little girl (secretly not complaining though as loved the cuddles I got from my sick little princess). Rookie error though and I had not bought my laptop home the night before and there was work that needed to be done so in between Mia napping we made a mad dash into the office to pick up the laptop so that I could at least accomplish some work when Mia was sleeping.

Wednesday we had Mia's 6 month immunisations which she handled like a a little trooper, her middle name Charlotte means strong and that she certainly is!! I have been extremely lucky so far with Mia sleeping through the night since about 3 months old but not this week! Of course she decides upon my return to work that she will start waking during the night. I don't know whether she is going through a 6 month growth spurt, teething, having reactions to the immunisations or just unsettled due to her cold but she decided it would be great to wake up at 1.30am and took awhile to resettle.

Thursday morning she seemed well enough to send to childcare so it was off to work and care for us.  I spent the day unable to focus 100% at work as I was worried about Mia and was really wishing I was cuddled up on the couch with her instead of her being sick being cared for by strangers. I started to doubt my decision about returning to work so early. We also experienced our first day care mix up with Mia returning home with another child's shorts and without her sleeping bag!

Finally it was Friday, only one more day to get through before getting to spend my weekend with Mia, having been up for 1 1/2 hours settling a sick bubba at 3am it was definitely a 2 cups of coffee kind of morning! Knowing Mia was safe and sound in the comfort of her own home being cared for by a nanny made the day at work a lot easier. Until 3pm it was a relatively uneventful day and then somehow whilst walking back to my desk I managed to snap one of my heels resulting in me having to hobble around for the remainder of the afternoon. Made all the more frustrating by the fact that I had recently paid $20 to have the ends of the heels replaced, looks like a shopping trip for new shoes on the weekend is in order.

We finally made it to the weekend and it is safe to say that Mia and I will both be having a very quiet weekend!

Survived week 1!

I am pleased to say that both Mia and mummy survived week one of me being back at work! Unfortunately week 2 is not quite going to plan, with little miss already sick with her first childcare illness!

After our last minute childcare debacle I am extremely comfortable with the new centre we found for Mia and my transition back to work last week was made all that smoother with the comfort of knowing that my little bubba was being well looked after by some wonderful carers.  In fact Mia enjoyed her days at care so much she didn't even want to know me when I went to pick her up, she was too busy playing with new toys and new friends! This did make me feel a little sad, knowing my bubba could survive just fine without her mummy, whilst this week has been hard with Mia being unwell it is nice to know that in times of pain all she wants to do is snuggle up close and have some cuddles with her mummy and that she does need me after all.

Returning to the office it was as though I had never left, a few new faces around the office but not much has changed and I felt like I hit the ground running. I always thought the most challenging part of returning to work would be leaving my little girl, of course I found it hard saying goodbye to her but I did surprise myself and didn't shed a tear as I dropped her off at care with her smiling little face looking at me as if too say "I'm ok mummy, you don't have to worry about me, I love you and I'll have fun today". I also thought that I would struggle to focus on my job as I would be constantly thinking and worrying about my little girl, but again I surprised myself, of course I thought about her during the day and I did miss her but I was able to focus on my job.

I actually loved being back at work, though it could just be a novelty factor, so will see if I am still saying that I love work in a months time!

I did quickly realise a few things upon my return to work:

- wearing heals after 6 months of wearing sneakers and thongs was painful 

- 1 coffee a day is no longer going to cut it, though 3 coffees is probably 1 too many

- it is awesome being near the Sth Melb market again, hello cheap avocados and nice fresh seafood

- the task of leaving for work in the morning requires a lot more coordination and effort as I have to organise not only myself but also my mini me

- no longer can I get home from work and collapse on the couch with a glass of wine, for when I get home from the office my other job begins and the challenge of dinner, bath and bed becomes all that more challenging after being at work for the day

- I now have to get up at a time that begins in a 4 if I still want to squeeze in some exercise before work! I always used to have the rule that no alarm should ever be set beginning in anything less than a 5!!

- it is exhausting having to use my brain again

- using excel is like riding a bike but PowerPoint still frustrates the hell out of me

- the weekends are now awesome because the time I do spend with Mia is so much more special

Dear 6 month old Mia

When I was pregnant I wrote a blog to my little girl, I'm now writing another one to her 6 months later.

To my little girl,

It's hard to believe that it's been 6 months since you came into my life, at times it feels like it was only yesterday that I held you in my arms for the first time, at other times it feels like a lifetime ago. In 6 short months you have grown and changed so much, every day you seem just that little bit bigger than yesterday and you seem to learn something new each day.  Your cheeky little grin melts my heart, your signature photo pose of poking out your tongue makes me smile and the way you munch down food like the Cookie Monster makes me laugh. I sometimes wish I could freeze time and keep you this small forever, other times I wish you would grow up quicker so that I can teach you to ride a bike, take you to the zoo and have you read to me.

I'm now back at work which means we no longer get to spend all of our days together but when we are together we can have even more fun because the time together is now so much more precious. As much as I hate being away from you I know how much fun you are having at childcare with the carers and all of your new friends.  It makes me a little sad knowing that you now have a life of your own that I'm not part of.

I love the way your little face lights up when I get your bed time story off the shelf, it's like you know that you get a few more minutes before you have to go to sleep. We read the same story every night "Mr Brown can Moo, can you?" by Dr Seuss, your Pa Mick gave it to you and you absolutely love it, especially when Mr Brown makes a grum grum grum noise like a hippopotamus chewing gum.

I love watching you wriggle your way around the lounge room until you make your way to your favourite hiding spot, underneath the couch! I love seeing the look of determination on your face as you try to reach for that toy that is not quite within your reach and you wriggle around until you get there. You're not crawling yet but still you manage to move around a lot, I wouldn't be surprised if you are crawling soon. I love the way you kiss and also attack the baby in the mirror, I'm not sure if you have realised yet that the baby is you!

You are such a happy little girl, yet you are not what I would call placid! You certainly take after your mummy, always on the go and determined to do whatever you set your little mind too. Sometimes I wish you weren't so energetic and would enjoy having cuddles on the couch with mummy but you are so squirmy and will rarely sit still for more than a minute.

Love Mummy 

xxx

Last week of maternity leave

The past 6 months have gone a lot quicker than I ever could have expected and as I sit here quietly enjoying a relaxing coffee whilst Mia is napping I have a little tear in my eye as I realise this is my last Monday at home before going back to work. My last Monday spending the day with my little girl, playing games, singing songs, cuddling her, feeding her and settling her to sleep.

I've spent the past couple of weeks trying to get into the headspace of returning to work, and I think I have successfully managed to achieve this. I have made a list of all the things I want to set out and achieve this year at work, already arranged meetings for my first week back and genuinely looking forward to the challenge of using my brain for something other than creating rap songs for Mia! However no matter how hard I try I still can't seem to come to terms with the thought of leaving my little girl in the care of others.  I try so hard to focus on the positives; she will become more socially adjusted, she will learn that there are other people she can trust, she will be stimulated more, she will have fun, the time I will spend with her will mean so much more. Yet I find myself focusing far more on the negatives; what if she doesn't sleep properly and is always tired and grumpy at home, what if she hates it and cries there, what if she resents me for leaving her, will she end up sick all the time? I've made a list of about a million questions to ask her carers when we start orientation tomorrow, I fear I am becoming that painful, over protective mother! I have also decided to reach out and seek the support of other career driven women that have returned to work with young babies in order to widen my support network and have some guidance to help me navigate through this difficult time. I'm sure that like anything in life there will be an initial adjustment period for both Mia and myself but that once we find our rhythm we both won't know the world to be anything different.

So for now I am going to try to relax, block work out of my mind for one more week, enjoy this precious last week at home with my little girl (would appreciate it if Melbourne would bring back summer though) and go to the chemist and stock up on tissues and water proof mascara for Mia's first day in childcare.